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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.