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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.