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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm