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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.