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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Personally, I think failure should be an option
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth