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A wise man, will often say nothing
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.