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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
My anger management class pisses me off
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.