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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.