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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?