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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.