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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.