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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!