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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
What’s the answer to this question?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me