Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm