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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.