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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
We get it poets: things are like other things
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?