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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.