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Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.