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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.