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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
status uploading
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time