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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown