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A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.