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Never trust a skinny chef
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I only accept apologies in cash.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
My favorite beer is an open one.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.