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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.