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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.