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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.