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The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
You can`t be late until you show up