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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.