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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.