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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.