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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!