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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day Iām just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Good news everyone ā my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.