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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned