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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!