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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."