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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.