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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
It should really be called teethpaste.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.