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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes