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Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.