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If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.