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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.