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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.