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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.