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A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!