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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-