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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Iām dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.