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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.