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I wish my mind had a delete button.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.