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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.