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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?