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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
gua suka sama kamu