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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)