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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one