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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.