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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Mondays should start at noon.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.