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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.