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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."