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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.