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If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.