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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.