Daily Silly Status

Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.

Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.

I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?

Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar

Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?

I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V

You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.

Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.